THE DEBATE CONTINUES...WERE THE MONKEES AMERICA'S BEST 'BEACH-GROUP'?
OR DID THE 'BEACH-BOYS' HAVE THE EDGE?...
ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT...LET'S ASK THE PHILOSOPHERS!
IN THE MONKEEECORNER...KARL MARX!...
IN THE BEACHBOYS CORNER....ARISTOTLE THE GREEK!...
THE PRESIDING JUDGE TODAY...ABRAHAM LINCOLN....
THE DEBATE STARTS
MARX" THE PROLETARIAT MUST BE TRAINED LIKE THE MONKEES TO UNDERSTAND THE NATURE OF DIALECTIC MUSIC FOR THE MASSES..THE BOURGEOIS MUST BE MADE TO UNDERSTAND THE NATURE OF POPULAR MUSIC AS A STATEMENT OF NON-INDIVIDUALISTIC PARTICIPATION IN THE COLLECTIVE IDEALISM.."
ARISTOTLE " SHUT YOUR FACE YOU TOSSER EVERYONE KNOWS THE BEACHBOYS WERE TRUE MUSICIANS WHEREAS THE MONKEES WERE 'MANUFACTURED' BY BIG-BUSINESS INTERESTS"
MARX" DON'T CALL ME A TOSSER YOU THINK 'I'M A BELIEVER' HAS AN EQUAL WITH 'HELP ME RHONDA' ?...GET OUT MY FACE!'
[REFEREE STEPS IN ....]
"'BREAK IT UP!"..[ARISTOTLE HAS GRABBED MARX BY THE BEARD AND IS TRYING TO STAMP ON HIS FOOT'.]
MARX "...PETER TORKAND MIKE NESMITH [WHY DID HE WEAR THAT HAT?]ARE
REPRESENTATIVE OF THE OPPRESSION FELT BY THE WORKERS OF...AMERICA!
ADMITTEDLY THE DEAD DAVY JONES WAS AN ENGLISH IMPORT FROM MANCHESTER..HOME OF FRAUDSTERS AND DUBIOUS FOOTBALL..!..OOPS! I LIVED IN MANCHESTER ONE TIME WHERE I SPONGED OFF THE MILL OWNER FREDERICK
'FREDDY THE FROG' ENGELS..AND I'M TELLING YA! THAT CLOWN LIKED HIS BOOZE!..GOOD LIBRARY IN MANCHESTER THOUGHTHE CONDITION OF THE WORKING CLASSES IN ENGLAND WASN'T THAT BAD..I GOT LAID LOADS.."
REFEREE CALLS 'TIME OUT!'
BOTH, PHILOSOPHERS, SIT, DOWN,AT, THE , SMALL TABLE, OUTSIDE, THE PUB,
CALLED, 'THE PHILOSOPHER'S ARMS', [SOMEWHERE, IN, LIVERPOOL]..
THE SUN IS SHINING AND UNDER THE SHADE OF THE TABLE PARASOL..
ABRAHAM LINCOLN LIGHTS A LARGE HAND ROLLED HEMP CIGARETTE
HIS STOVEPIPE HAT IS BETWEEN HIS KNEES AND A BROAD SMILE APPEARS
AS HE INHALES HIS STRANGE SMELLING VAPOURS...
" HEY GUYS! WHY DON'T YOU JUST CHILL OUT ....."HE SAYS...
"HERE BARGUY! WHAT'S YOUR NAME? BRING US A COUPLE OF PINTS OVER"..
"MY NAME IS BOOTH SIR BUT THE GUYS HERE CALL ME 'WILKIE'..."
MARX " THERE YOU GO! AGAIN LINCOLN WITH YOUR 'I'M THE PRES SO WHAT I SAY GOES RULING CLASS ATTITUDE..HEY WILKIE GET THIS GUY TO SAY PLEASE AND WHO DO YOU THINK IS THE BEST BEACH GROUP?..COME ON GUY
'SURFIN' USA..A CLASSIC NO?"
WILKIE PLACES THE TRAY WITH THREE PINTS OF LAGER ON THE TABLE...
" WELL THEY BOTH GOT SOME COOL GROOVE RECORDS..MMMM
LET ME THINK'ANOTHER PLEASANT VALLEY SUNDAY' IS KIND OF A STATEMENT ABOUT THE MORAL DISINTEGRATION OF THE AMERICAN YOUTH..THE
DEPENDENCE ON BANK LOANS MORTGAGES AND OTHER CHAINS TO OPPRESS
AND CONFINE THE ASPIRATIONS OF THE YOUTH...BUT THEN AGAIN
THE BEACH BOYS WERE ALSO GUILTY OF SUBLIMINAL MESSAGING IN THEIR
EARLY HITS IF YOU PLAY 'SURFIN' USA BACKWARDS YOU CAN HEAR THE BACCHANALIAN CHANT OF DEMONS SAYING 'GO SHOOT SOMEONE'..
ABRAHAM LINCOLN RAISES HIS EYEBROW..BUT SAYS NOTHING..
ARISTOTLE " SEE I TOLD YOU YOU DAFT BEARDED RUSSIAN"..
JUST THEN A GROUP OF MOTORCYCLISTS PARK UP NEARBY...
SEVERAL BEARDEDBIKER GUYS OVERHEAR THE COMMENT...
ONE STEPS OVER TO THE TABLE..SMASHES HIS FIST DOWN IN A GESTURE OF
ANGER AND POINTS HIS FINGER ATKARL MARX...
" LISTEN KARL! EVERYONE KNOWSTHE BEACH BOYS WERE THE COOLEST MOST TOGETHER GROUP OF GUYS THAT EVER CAME FROM THE WEST COAST U.S OF A!"..
HE SAID IN AN EFFEMINATE VOICE.
THIS TOOK EVERYONE BY SURPRISE.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN STOOD UP BUT SAT DOWN AGAIN LIKE HE WAS STONED IN AN ARMCHAIR...HE SAID NOTHING.....
ARISTOTLE WHO WAS EATING A FETA CHEESE NIBBLE WIPED HIS MOUTH AND SAID IN A STRANGE GREEK ACCENT..
" YASU!"..THEN NEARLY CHOKED AND HASTILYTOOK A SWIG OF LAGER..
THE BIKER SMILED KNOWINGLY HIS FRIENDS HAD JOINED HIM AND SLOWLY
THEY BEGAN TO HUM...
" BAR BAR BAR BARBA BARAN".......
LIKE A DEADLY BARBERSHOP QUARTET THEY BROKEINTO SONG.....
THEIR EYES WERE STARING STRAIGHT AT KARL MARXWHO TRIED NOT TO JOIN IN WITH THE REFRAIN...
THE HIGH NOTES WERE REACHED IN THE SONG WHEN SUDDENLY KARL LET GO A " BARB-A-RAN"..IN SUCH A HIGH PITCH IT SHATTERED A BEER GLASS..
EVERYONE WAS STUNNED...
ARISTOTLE SPAT OUT HIS LUMPY CHEESE NIBBLE IN AMAZEMENT...
" SEE! YOU ARE INTO THE BEACH BOYS! TOO! YOU PHONEY ROOSKIE..."
THE BIKERS CONTINUED TO SING FORMING THEMSELVES INTO A CONGA LINE
THEY MADE HAND MOVEMENTS TO ACCOMPANYTHE WORDS AND WERE MOVING AROUND ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S CHAIR....
" NO NO! YOU MISUNDERSTAND!ME COMPLETELY THE BEACH BOYS WERE USING MASS CONTROL TECHNIQUES TAUGHT TO THEM BY THEIR CAPITALIST PARENTS!....THEY WERE CHAINEDAND TRAINED TO OBEY!"..SAID MARX..
ABRAHAM LINCOLN PLACED HIS HAT ON HIS HEAD AND STOOD UP...
IN A SLOW DRAWL HE SAID 'TIME OUT!"..
ARISTOTLE HAD JOINED IN WITH THE BIKER CONGA LINE AND WAS WAVING HIS EMPTY GLASS AT WILKIE...
THEN THE SONG STOPPED.
THE BIKER GANG MARCHED IN A LINE THROUGH A SWING DOOR TO THE BAR.
ARISTOTLE TUGGED AT HIS TOGA AND BEGAN TO FOLLOW THEM.
JUST THEN A BUS FULL OF BEAUTIFUL AMERICAN CHEERLEADERS STOPPED
OUTSIDE THE PUB. THEY WERE THE DEADLY 'PHILOSOPHER BOOGIE GIRLS'
WELL KNOWN THROUGHOUT FLORIDA THEY WERE WANTED IN FIVE STATES
[MOSTLY DRUNK ANDUNDRESSED] FOR BEING TROUBLEMAKERS IN PHILOSOPHY CONTESTS THROUGHOUT EUROPE .
THEIR, LEADER, A TALL,LONG BLONDHAIRED, NEGRO WOMAN, RATTLED, HER, POM-POM, IN, KARL MARX'S FACE...
'HEY BUDDY, WHAT, PLACE, DO WOMEN, HAVE, IN, YOUR, YOU, KNOW, IDEOLOGY?'..
SHE SAID, PUSHING, HER, ENORMOUS BREASTS, VERY CLOSE, TO, THE RUSSIANS, BEARD....
JUST THEN KARL'S MOBILE PHONE RANG...
" YES DEAR THE KERFILTERFISCH AND PICKLE?"..
" OY VEH! DEAR!..."
THE BIKERS AND WILKIEWERE RETURNING FROM THE INSIDE BAR.
ARISTOTLE HAD PUSHED A COUPLE OF TABLES TOGETHERIN A HORSESHOE SHAPE.THE BIKERS HAD SAT DOWN ALONGSIDE THE CHEERLEADERS SWIGGING FROM FOAMING BEER MUGS...
WILKIE CAME BEHIND CARRYING A LARGE TRAY..
ABRAHAM LINCOLN WAS INSERTING HIS WOODEN TEETHAS HE FUMBLED WITH HIS TROUSER FLIES AFTER HAVING BEEN TO THE OUTHOUSE...
"HEY WILKIEWHAT'SA BACCHANALIAL CHANT?"..HE ASKED...
ARISTOTLE INTERJECTED...
" RANDY SCOUSE GIT!"..HE SHOUTEDAND THE LARGE BLONDEHAIRED CHEERLEADER JUMPED UP IN SURPRISE...
" HOW'DA'YA'LL KNOW MY NAME?'..SHE ASKED....
JUST THEN A PASSING JAPANESE GUITARIST TOOK A PICTURE ON HIS CANON CAMERA..THE FLASH STARTLED EVERYONE FOR IT WAS A SUNNY DAY...
" EXCUSE ME SIR! NO PICTURES PLEASE!" SAID ABRAHAM LINCOLN..
" VERY SORRY! PLEASE EXCUSE!"..SAID THE JAPANESE GUY.
"WHO ARE YOU SIR?..THIS IS A PRIVATE FUNCTION IT IS A DEBATE FOR MUSIC LOVERS AND PHILOSOPHERS"...SAID WILKIE..
" OH VERY GOOD! THEN I'M IN THE RIGHT PLACE PLEASE ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF I AM SUZUKI Q!.."
HE SAID AS HE PLACED HIS YAMAHA GUITAR STRAPOVERHIS SHOULDER...
" AND I AM HERE TOREPRESENT FOREIGN THOUGHT ON THE ICONIC AMERICAN BEACH MUSIC THAT HAS SHAPED THE ECONOMY OF THE WESTERN WORLD'..
SLOWLY HE STRUMMED A 'D' ON HIS GUITAR.....
" AND IWANT TO SHOW...[HE NOW STRUMMED A MENACING 'C']...THAT
THE MONKEES ACTUALLY WERE NO MUSICIANS! "..HE SCREAMED MAKING EVERYONE JUMPA LITTLE AND ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S WOODEN TEETH TO BECOME DISLODGED.
" HEY ORIENTAL DUDE" SAID THE LARGE BIKER..." DON'T COME HERE TELLING US THAT THE MONKEES WERE NO MUSICIANS! IT WAS MICKY DOLENZ THAT INSPIRED ME TO MAKE MY FIRST CHOPPER! HIS MANIC YET MELODIOUS DRUMMING AND CHEESY GRINHIS DAFT YET APPEALING HANG-DOG EXPRESSION MADE ME WANT TO EXPERIENCE THE FREEDOM OF THE CALIFORNIAN OPEN HIGHWAYSAND THE SURFING SCENE IS HARD TO FIND IN LIVERPOOL..IT WAS BECAUSE OF HIM...THAT I FIRST WENT TO PRISON..."
EVERYBODY GASPED!..
ABRAHAM LINCOLN STOOD AND MADE A JUDGEMENT.
" REMOVE THAT CRIMINAL NOW!'..[FOR IN PHILOSOPHY DEBATES NO CRIMINALITY IS EVER ACCEPTED EVERY PARTICIPANT MUST BE TOTALLY HONEST]...
TWO GIANT ROBOTS APPEARED LIFTED THE BIKER FORCIBLY OFF HIS CHAIR
AND DISAPPEARED BEHIND THE PUB..MUFFLED CLANGS AND SHOUTS WERE HEARD..THEN ..SILENCE...
ALL EYES WERE ON THE PUB WHEN AFTER WHAT SEEMED AN ETERNITY
THE LARGE BIKER STEPPED INTO VIEW HOLDING TWO ROBOT HEADS UNDER HIS HAIRY EXPOSED ARMS....
" THESE WILL DO NICELY FOR OURCLUBHOUSE WALL"..HE SAID.
ABRAHAM LINCOLN WAS SPEECHLESS NEVER BEFORE HAD HIS GIANT ROBOTS BEEN DEFEATED..SO HE KNEW CAUTION WOULD BE ADVISABLE WHEN DEALING WITH THESE DISSENTING RADICAL MOTORCYCLING BEACH BOYS ENTHUSIASTS..
"PLEASE HRRRR TAKE A SEAT WITH YOUR FRIENDS.." HE SAID AND THE BIKER DULY SAT DOWN.
ARISTOTLE HAD STOOD UPIN THE SPACE BETWEEN THE TABLES AND WAS
ABOUT TO START HIS DEFENCE OF THE BEACH BOYS PHILOSOPHICAL ETHOS..
WHEN UNEXPECTEDLY HE LET RIP WITH A HUGE FART...
" OH P..LEASE" SAIDRANDY.." IS THERE ANY NEED?".."THAT'S DISGUSTING"
ARISTOTLE SOMEWHAT EMBARRASSED TOOK A STEP BACKWARDS..WAFTING HIS TOGA...
"OY VEH! LIKE WOMEN NEVER FART?".." YOU SHOULD LIVE IN MY HOUSE! OY VEEEEH! I GOT A DAUGHTER! I TELL YA!"..SAID MARX..
SUZUKI BEGAN PLAYING ON HIS YAMAHA...THE GENTLE OPENING TO'KOKOMO'
EVERYBODY HUMMED ALONG BECAUSE NOBODY KNEW THE WORDS....
JUST THEN A RIOTOUS GROUP OF CAVALIER JOVIAL HANDSOME AND GOOD NATURED GENTLEMEN APPEARED THEIR RAUCOUS BANTER
WAS NON STOP...BUT THEY QUIETENED DOWN ON HEARING THE WORD 'ARUBA'..SANG BADLY BY SUZUKI....
SUZUKI STOPPED PLAYING AND EVERYONE WAS QUIET EXCEPT THE SQUEAKY JAW MOVEMENTS COMING FROM ONEOF THE DECAPITATED ROBOTS...
"IT'S 'A-RUB-A' NOT AWOOBA!" SAID THEIR LEADER..
'ALLOW ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF I AM CARLTHEPIRATE AND THESE LADS
WITH ME HERE ARE ALL BROTHERS..WE TRAVEL THE INTERNET LOOKING TO RIGHT WRONGS!..AND YOU MY FRIEND ARE PLAYING THAT SONG OUT OF KEY!"...
SUZUKI MUMBLED SOMETHINGINCOMPREHENSIBLE..HE WAS STUNNED FOR HELIKE A LOT OF JAPANESE GUITARISTS THOUGHT THAT THE AGE OF PIRATES WAS OVER...THE GREAT NINJA/PIRATE WARS HAD MYSTERIOUSLY ENDED SOME YEARS BEFORE ANDEVERYONE THOUGHT BOTH HAD DISAPPEARED INTO OBLIVION.
" BUT YOU ARE DEAD? HOW CAN THIS BE?..WE HEARD AN OLDSOGER KILLED YOU OFF YEARS AGO..."SUZUKI MUMBLED..
ATHEARING THIS ALL THE PIRATES GUFFAWED LOUDLY...
CARLTHEPIRATE LAUGHED HEARTILY! AND SHOUTED TO WILKIE..
" INNKEEPER BRING GROG! FOR ALL MY MEN...AND HELL--O LADIES!"
HE INTERRUPTED HIMSELF ON SEEING THE AMERICAN CHEERLEADERS
WHO SAT ADMIRING THE TALL DASHINGLY HANDSOME PIRATE...
RANDY SPOKE FOR THEM..
" HELLO YOURSELF! BIGBOY!..IS IT TRUE? YOU ARE THE LEGENDARY CARL?"
"YES DEAR LADY I AM THE ONLY CARL IN THIS TOWN!"
KARL MARX STOOD UP AND SAID..
" I DON'T THINK SO" AND WENT TOE TO TOE EYEBALLING THE HANDSOME PIRATE "MY NAME IS KARL ALSO..AND CARL WILSON AS YOU MAY OR NOT KNOW..WAS A BEACHBOY!..AND IT IS HIS MUSIC WE ARE DEBATING HERE!"
CARLTHEPIRATE LAUGHED A HEARTY PIRATE LAUGH...
" OH YES INDEEDY! WE KNOW CARL KARL FOR I CARL AND CARL KARL ARE OLD FRIENDS..CALIFORNEE-I-A IS ONE OF MY FAVOURITE PIRATE COASTLINES! WE ALWAYS HAVE A WAIL OF A TIME THERE..SOMETIMES WITH ME OLD MATEY BOB MARLEY!AND HIS CARIBBEAN WAILERS..!"
JUST THEN WILKIE APPEARED WITH TWO TRAYLOADS OF ALE AND GROG..
HE WAS EXHAUSTED THE JOB OF WAITER IN A HYPERSPACE PUB IS NO EASY TASK..
CARLTHEPIRATE TOSSED HIM A GOLD DOUBLOON..
" HERE GOOD FELLOW GET YOURSELF A SHOT OF SOMETHING"
WILKIE SMILED ABRAHAM LINCOLN FROWNED HIS HEAD WASNOW DOWN BETWEEN HIS KNEES AND THE HEMP CIGARETTE HE HAD LIT WAS BEING PASSED AROUND THE BIKERS...
"I I AM..I'M STONED MAN.." HE MANAGED TO SAY BEFORE FALLING UNCONSCIOUS TO THE GROUND..
THE BIKERS AND CHEERLEADERS WERE GIGGLING UNCONTROLLABLY.
SUZUKI SAID " OKPIRATE LET'S HEAR YOU PLAY IN KEY!"..
AT THIS THE HANDSOME PIRATE SMILED...
"NO MY GOOD FELLOW ALAS I CANNOT PLAY A GUITAR BUT YOU ARE A GOOD PLAYER..LIKE A LOT OF YOUR KINDIT'S JUST YOUR SINGING THAT'SA LITTLE OFF KEY!..BUT AS I REFUSE NO CHALLENGE I WILL SING WITH THESE BEAUTIFUL AMERICAN LADIES ASSISTANCE AN ACCAPELLA..MONKEE'S THEME SONG!"
HE BEGAN AND ALMOST IMMEDIATELY EVERYONE JOINED IN..BECAUSE LET'S FACE IT NO ONE CAN RESIST..THE MONKEE'S...
"HERE WE COME-BOM BOM WALKING DOWN THE STREET!-BOM BOM- GET THE FUNNIEST LOOKS FROM................"
THE SONG CONTINUED TO IT'S FINALE..EVERYONE WAS UP DANCING DOING THE FAMOUS'CROSS LEGS WALK' SHOWN INTHE TV SHOWS...
ARISTOTLE WHO WAS A BIT OF A 'SHOW-OFF'WAS INTRIGUED BY THESTYLISH
AND SARTORIAL EXACTITUDE OF THE PIRATES CLOTHING FOR HE HAD NEVER
BEFORE MET WITH SUCH INDIVIDUALISTS...
" THE BEACH BOYS WERE PIRATES TOO!"...HESAID
THIS MADE EVERYONE PAY ATTENTION FOR ANY 'PIRATEY'REFERENCE HOWEVER TRIVIAL ALWAYS SPARKS DEBATE IN PIRATE COMMUNITIES.....
"PRAY MY GREEK FRIEND TELL US MORE!" SAID JUAN SHEET THE SECOND IN COMMAND OF THE PIRATE CREW...
"ISN'T IT OBVIOUS?" SAID ARISTOTLE..." SLOOP JOHN B!"....
EVERYONE GASPED IN AMAZEMENT FOR NO-ONE HAD THOUGHT OF THIS.....
CARLTHEPIRATE SMILED AT JUAN AND THE TWO OF THEM MADE A SECRET 'PIRATE SIGN'THAT INVOLVED A LITTLE FINGER GESTURE..
[BUT I'M NOT ALLOWED TO REVEAL IT TO NON-PIRATES AAARGH..]
SUZUKI BEGAN TO STRUM AND THE ENTIRE PIRATE CREW GENTLY SANG ALONG WITH THE BEACHBOYS' CLASSIC PIRATEY SONG...TEARS FORMING IN THEIR SALTY EYES...AS THEY TOO REMEMBERED THE GOOD TIMES THEY HAD ENJOYED IN NASSAU BAHAAAAAAMAS...
IN THE DISTANCE WAS HEARD A TINKLING OF BICYCLE BELLS...EVERYONE QUIETED DOWN, FOR THEY KNEW THE LEDERHOSEN WEARING GERMANS WERE HEADING
THEIR WAY..
WANT THIS TO CONTINUE?...
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